“Don’t live in fear and love yourself first.” – Mecca Wise, 2012
I’m thankful to have been strong enough to not only survive the trials I’ve endured but to continue teaching through them. Even when all I could teach was by my own example as I traversed every tragedy imaginable. You either spend your moments in fear or in love. Like you’re either seeing things for the negative or the positive and it’s based on your perception more than the reality of it. If you caught glimpses of it, they were a look into the man behind the books, the life of not a teacher, but a practitioner of the principles I want you to use to survive your own struggles.
I’ve made success, stability, and above all, peace and happiness… Out of this dark mountain made of broken pieces of myself and all I’ve cared about. It’s no castle in the quicksand. I make the darkness shine like melanin. I had a terrible temper. Never been even-tempered and grief made me worse. I was always aggravated or anxiety-ridden after Mecca died.
Not grief, but anxiety. I didn’t get a chance to grieve for a while. Instead, I had to secure our future. I wasn’t ready to be a single father, but I had to grow to become good for them. It took us some years.
Besides the mountain of debt to tackle, I couldn’t enjoy anything for myself until I’d made sure our children were okay emotionally. Raising children alone is truly a journey. I had two beautiful girls who ain’t wanna live no more. Like for real. One was 19 and the other 7, each dealing with their own trauma… Shit was real surreal. Hell, I ain’t wanna live either, but they needed me!
Nobody was around for that part. Most of my friends don’t even know about those parts. It’s a lot I couldn’t share because we were still struggling to survive. Then I healed. I had to learn to stop seeking validation in those who listened to me vent and instead start spending healthier time with myself!
One thing I’ve learned is that nobody is responsible for how YOU feel outside of YOU. Handling yourself changes almost everything, but be ready to make a LOT of changes! So only now do I really feel like I can teach again. Everything else was just getting through. The fact that I can tell this story now, a couple of years removed from the hardest part, is a beautiful testament.
Whatever you’re going through, you and yours can make it through. So what should you choose? What does it make sense to choose? Misery or joy? Find the positive in every moment.
If nothing else, following me has shown you that a motherf*cker can survive. We have to get over it all so we can get through to us all. Learning to teach with pure love I had to let all my own hurt go to do so. We are empathic. We feel the pain in all we see, but the solution begins with understanding the nature of the problem.
5 thoughts on “Journal Entries: 2018”
Going through my own grief and the trauma that comes with it, I found out that while the subject is very common and reaches many, how to get through it in a healthy way is not often talked about. Even as I take classes to become a counselor, there was only one short class that supposed to encompass grief, death, dying, and loss. While I gained an understanding of the process and ways grief can manifest itself, the class did not give me the tools to navigate myself or others through in a productive manner. We learn by seeing and doing – I look forward to the book!
Peace God! Thanks for those encouraging words! 💯
Peace King! I truly appreciate self 4 corresponding 4 self, it is a honor to actually meeting self. This is a spiritual enlightenment to maintain elevation simply because I’ve been inna slump as well.
Temple1 alwayz searching!
Peace King 4 giving self that nudge I’ve been needing, it’s also a pleasure to connect on a spiritual
level, I truly feel honored brethren & I will constantly pass the torch on to all I encounter. Peace King
So much that I can say regarding love life and loyalty. Or even the polarity of living in fear or love.
Insecure feelings arise being overwhelmed dealing with trauma anxiety hurt grief depression etc. Especially where we are not personally wanting to live anymore. Our own thinking produces a sea of burdensome thoughts as we find ourselves just fighting for sanity. The unknown trials and tribulations that can truly take it’s toll on ones brain power to manage and overcome due to lost depression etc.
Overwhelmed due to the world I often say everyone has the right to feel how they feel and it doesn’t mean that you are wrong or right. Because feelings aren’t smart they are just feelings.
I have been in moments lately where tears just begin to fall uncontrollably. And yet only my own thoughts were and are always able to pull me up out of the drowning sea of trauma grief and pain.
It’s a very different yet difficult thing to experience life on these terms especially knowing what it’s like to literally live for everyone but you and when you make a decision to live for you to be alone. Alone to metamorphosis from a caterpillar to a butterfly is similarly how we grow out of these experiences to rise above the madness.